August 9th, 2007
Anchorage Daily News, Page: B5
Byline: Alex Sheshunoff
Would You Sell Your Vote to Co-Star with Branjelina?
Let's cut Tom Anderson some slack. After all, wouldn't many of us give up our vote for $25,000 as well? That was my hunch. So I commissioned a survey. For a few hundred dollars, the Opinion Research Corporation will bug 1,006 folks during dinner for you. The whole survey isn't yours -- your questions probably follow some about shampoo preferences -- but they collect all sorts of demographic information and send you a detailed, statistically valid report. Here's what I found out:
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Roughly one in five Americans would permanently give up their right to vote for $25,000, a bit less than the going rate established by Anderson.
Roughly one in five Americans would permanently give up their right to vote for $25,000, a bit less than the going rate established by Anderson. -A majority had a much higher price. Sixty-four percent wouldn't permanently give up their right to vote even for a vaccine for cancer.
A majority had a much higher price. Sixty-four percent wouldn't permanently give up their right to vote even for a vaccine for cancer. -Some sold for a much, much lower price. Twelve percent of America would disenfranchise itself for a $50 gift certificate from the Olive Garden.
Some sold for a much, much lower price. Twelve percent of America would disenfranchise itself for a $50 gift certificate from the Olive Garden. At first I found this last point discouraging. Until, that is, I compared the sweet, sweet goodness of the Five-Cheese Ziti to the two New Yorkers we likely will have running against each other for president.
In fact, compared to the Olive Gardeners, Anderson's relatively higher price is, in a way, inspirational. A cut-rate price, after all, suggests the people he represents are also cut-rate. As my grandmother used to say, "The only thing worse than your legislator taking bribes is your legislator taking small bribes."
I know that a legislator selling a few votes is different from a person giving up his vote for the rest of their life. In fact, it's a lot worse. Anderson sold out not only himself but the 11,250 registered voters who lived in his district as well. I think there may be grounds for a civil lawsuit. As I figure it, he owes them each a share of the profits, a sort of Corruption Fund Dividend. In this case, their CFD would be $2.31. Not much, granted, but it's better than the 64 cents BP paid per share last quarter.
So what lessons can we learn from Anderson? According to the survey, we'd be statistically less likely to elect a louse if we voted for candidates who were:
- Elderly. Those over 65 are half as likely to sell their votes than those under 35. (Anderson was 35 when first elected.)
- Female. Men are more likely than women to sell their vote, for everything from free gas to flying first class.
- Married. Those willing to disenfranchise themselves in order to appear opposite Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt in a movie dips from 10 percent to 7 percent when people are cohabitating. (Anderson was single when first elected.) As the saying goes, "Give me liberty or give me Angelina Jolie."
- Rich. The wealthier you are, the less likely you are to sell your vote. I guess that makes sense -- I've yet to meet a billionaire bewitched by a bottomless salad or, say, crumpled hundred dollar bills handed out in musty hotel rooms.
Finally, I'd like to conclude with a little note to the forgotten victims of all of this: the mom-and-pop oil services firms who now have one less guy in the Legislature. It's not easy being an oil services company, especially in a state as anti-big oil as Alaska. To them, I'd like to extend a special offer. My wife and I are expecting a son any day now, but have been struggling with his middle name. Following Anderson's example with corporate sponsorship, we've decided to auction off his middle name on eBay.
Sure, your company could name a stadium, but what if the home team loses? Naming a human being, however, presents a dynamic, lifelong opportunity to promote your firm's interests by making your name his name. Imagine Ian "Shake 'N' Bake" Sheshunoff or Ian "Veco" Sheshunoff. So go to www.ebay.com, search for "middle name," and place your bid today. But hurry, before this opportunity slips away. Who knows, one day he might even be a state legislator.
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Alex Sheshunoff is a writer living in Anchorage.
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